Dana Gatto
Perfectionism-The refusal to accept any standard short of perfection. For those of us that experience perfectionism we know just how stressful this type of thinking can be. It can also increase anxiety, depression, addiction, eating disorders, fuel frustration and disappointment, crush self-esteem and decrease one’s ability to make decisions.
The reason perfectionism is so toxic is that although it may seem that what perfectionists are after is success, their focus is really on avoiding failure. Note the difference. If you are after success, you experience positive emotion, this is you going after a goal or dream you want. If you are trying to avoid failure, it is rooted in negative emotion, in fear. Fear of making a mistake, fear of disappointing others, fear of failure, fear of success. There is often an element of shame hidden under the surface. Don’t be fooled. Also, since perfectionism is really an abstract idea it often leads to procrastination since there is no real measure of what perfect is. And in trying to avoid failure, often there is no action, because this is seen as better than trying and possibly failing to meet the perfectionistic ideal.
Another possible outcome of perfectionism is that some perfectionists over-estimate their abilities, while others under-estimate. They lack perspective on what they can and cannot do. So now they set the bar based on inaccurate assessments of their abilities. Those who under-estimate set the bar so low anyone could clear it. Then they aren’t internally motivated because the bar is too low, so they quit and assume they are a failure. Those who over-estimate assume that because they have achieved success in one area they will automatically reach it in another. However, there may be some work to do first, and if this isn’t noticed this perfectionistic human will assume failure.
Perfectionism can also lead one to believe they need to be in control of every factor and condition that contributes to their success. This can be incredibly problematic because this person can resent anyone and anything that appears to prevent their achievements and actions.Or the person turns inward and makes the judgement that they are a complete failure if they couldn’t control a person or condition that they believe offset their success.
Perfectionism can be self-imposed, imposed on others or socially imposed. Take note of which of these you may be participating in. It is time to question the validity of these beliefs. At the core perfectionism wreaks havoc on self-worth and often initially began from a low sense of worth. Often we blame ourselves, self-criticize and take criticism from others as truth which propels the perfectionism even further. Remember that a perfectionist often pardons everyone’s mistakes but their own. When in truth, a level of imperfection is really a form a freedom. Give yourself permission to suck a little.
If there is something you want to do in life and you can’t get it started or finished, perfectionism is most likely lurking. It will kill your passion and steal your joy. Often it is learned in childhood or even adulthood when we are punished for our “mistakes.” If you don’t learn to think differently it will rob you of all fulfillment, regardless of what goals you achieve.
So what can you do if any of these patterns run your life?
1.First, knowing this thought process exists and that it is a faulty way of thinking is a great start. Become aware of your motivations for perfectionism.
2.Recognize that ideals are directions, not absolutes. You don’t have to live up to anyone or any specific rules.
3.Focus on the big picture, don’t get stuck in the minor details. Spend more time on the what then on the how. Sometimes there is an easier and quicker way to get where you’re ultimately going.
4.Focus on what can be done, not on the past or the uncontrollable. What can you do? Do that.
5.Delegate and let go, you don’t have to do everything yourself. Allow yourself to trust others and let go of some of the control, a little at a time.
6.Make sure you celebrate the victories and progress made. You are achieving small wins all the time, do you take the time to recognize them?
7.Perfectionistic thinkers tend to think in black and white, all-or-none. Life isn’t black and white and it sure isn’t all or none. Wouldn’t an 8/10 be better than never starting?
8.And finally replace perfect with progress. You might as well strive for progress, not perfection since progress exists and perfection does not.
“Fire your perfectionism and your procrastination will quit too”-Ann Voskamp
You don’t have to be perfect, just stop standing in your own way.
xo,
Dana
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